I was looking through old school files I have still saved on my computer when I came across this story I wrote as a 9th grader. Reading this for the first time in years, I am both shocked by the way my 15-year-old self saw the world and entertained by the creativity and ridiculousness of the story.
The
year was 9597 on the evening of July the 4th. Stupidity filled the
air in George’s town of Hofenlofel. The air was quiet and full of helium.
George was sitting in his living quarter in his bubble. His mother was
preparing tenth-meal in the kitchen.
“Excuse
me, Mother. I don’t mean to be a bother, but I was wondering if it would be
possible for you to tell me what we shall be having for tenth-meal?”
“How
dare you speak to your mother so rudely? We are having chocolate enchiladas.
Also, I made a special celery sauce to spice it up. Mind your manners, stupid!”
Without another word, Mrs. Shizzle walked out of the kitchen.
Without
moving a tentacle, George closed his eyeballs. He then proceeded to bend down so
that all ten knuckles were touching the ground, and crawled to the prayer rug.
He was, of course, a devout Bushan.
“George,
my lord,” he prayed to the god. His mother named him George in honor of George
Bush, a martyr who lived hundreds of years previously and had died nobly to
save his country, and for that he was eternally worshipped.
“George,
forgive me for my extreme rudeness to my mother!” Young George prayed.
“You
have been forgiveded!” A strong voice boomed.
Young
George slowly stood up. People lived fairly short lives in Hofenlofel and the surrounding
towns, and at the age of twelve George was getting quite old.
He
was starting to prepare for the day when he would have a son. In Hofenlofel,
you see, when a boy turned thirteen, he would find a bubble floating in the air
and touch it. A baby boy would then begin to grow on his back. Three days
later, the bubble on the boy’s back would burst and break his spine, quickly
ending his life.
This
was what had happened to George’s father just twelve years before. At the age
of seventeen, Mrs. Shizzle, like all Hofenlofalen females, had found the bubble
of Frank Shizzle, George’s father. The bubble grew on the side of her body, and
after just a few weeks it disconnected from Mrs. Shizzle and Palieta had been
born. All Hofenlofalen women gave birth to female babies, and all the men gave
birth to baby boys. Every person had only one bubble, with a few cases of
people carrying two. The tragic part of the Hofenlofalen way of reproduction
was that a couple always had their girl before their boy, and the boys never
knew their fathers. Girls at least knew their fathers for a few years before
they died giving birth to the boy.
“Dinner,
stupid!” Mrs. Shizzle loved her son greatly.
“Mother,
can you tell me more about my dad? Why must all the fathers die in our world?”
“It
is the way of our culture. After about thirteen, boys carry a huge risk of
becoming men.”
“A
man? What’s that?” George was very curious.
“It
is a species that lived several thousand years ago. You see, males used to live
very long lives, almost as long as females, and-“
“Really?”
“Yes,
George. Have I really failed to tell you this before, stupid?”
“I
suppose you have, Mother.”
“Well
then. As I was saying, years and years ago, males lived very differently. They
never had babies; only women did. The baby grew in the woman’s belly, not her
side or back.
“Over
the years, we evolved from these dumb humans into the far more intelligent
dibderions we are today. Since this species called men were deemed so useless,
they eventually began to die off at younger ages, until they died at thirteen
like they do now.” Mrs. Shizzle smiled at her young son, waiting for his
response.
“Well
I’m sure glad I don’t live in that stupid world,” commented George.
George
and Mrs. Shizzle decided to go for a stroll before tenth-meal. Mrs. Shizzle
called Palieta to join them in the shuttle, but she didn’t want to go.
“We’re going to
travel back in time to the time that males lived long lives like I was telling
you,” said Mrs. Shizzle.
“Sounds super!”
George was very excited.
A couple hours
later, George and Mrs. Shizzle arrived on planet Earth. The year was all the
way back in 2007. George and Mrs. Shizzle landed the shuttle on a large green
space.
“This is called a
field, stupid,” Mrs. Shizzle told her son.
“What are these
peculiar green strands?” Asked George, picking small strands of a strange
green, damp substance.
“I believe they
are called grapes, but let me check the history book I brought along,”
responded Mrs. Shizzle. A few moments later she returned to the spot where
George was sitting on the grapes.
“I believe they
actually call these strands grasses. It says you can just say grass, though.
Let’s go explore, stupid!”
“Right behind you,
Mother!” Called George.
Mrs. Shizzle led
her son to a strange structure that, oddly enough, was not floating off the
ground. There were some strange symbols on the structure. Mrs. Shizzle referred
to her history book she had brought along.
“I
believe this symbol is called two. And the other symbols that look like circles
are called zeros, but it says here that in this time period these humans call
them O’s as well.”
“Look
at that strange creature!” shouted George, “He’s fat!”
“Let
me look at my book, stupid. One moment!” Mrs. Shizzle paused for a minute to
consult her history book.
“It
says here that humans were often very fat because they ate too much of a
certain substance called fat. Good thing we completely eliminated that from our
diets two hundred years ago.” The mother and son proceeded to the middle of
what they would soon realize was a prehistoric school.
“Sit
here, stupid,” Mrs. Shizzle affectionately directed her son, “Look right
there!” She pointed with her left tentacle at a young creature wearing a sack
on his rear side.
“That’s
a man!” cried Mrs. Shizzle, “Look, George! That one is probably about sixteen.
As you know, I’ve done a lot of research on these strange creatures. Look at
him, kicking that nice young girl.”
“I
think they are just playing,” commented George.
“No,
son. The human male was a violent creature as you can see here. They tend to
turn things upside down, and they fight eachother, and they even enjoy picking
on females. It’s horrible! That’s why we don’t have adult males in Hofenlofel,
George.”
George
and his mother proceeded to ascend a strange set of levels that were each only
as big as the end of their leg tentacles. The sequence made them go up higher!
They were amazed at this strange structure. After referring to her history
book, Mrs. Shizzle told George that she believed the structure was called a
flight of airplanes.
“A
flight of airplanes? Don’t you mean a flight of stairs, Mother?” questioned
George.
“Why,
yes! You must be paying close attention to your studies, stupid. I’m so proud
of you!”
There
was a strange looking creature coming down the stairs, seemingly growling at a
young male who was innocently kissing a young female. The old man was round and
old, seemingly about sixty-five years of age. His white hair covered his whole
head, and he glared in the Shizzles’ direction.
“Run!”
cried Mrs. Shizzle, “We’ve been caught!”
“Stop,
by order of the headmaster!” called the fat man. The Shizzles just kept
running.
“Headmaster
calling for backup,” cried the fat man into his communication device. Another
man came hobbling along the path, holding the other device that the fat man was
talking into. He had a horrible limp in his legs, and growled when he spoke.
“There
were some aliens here just a moment ago. We have to act quickly!” the Shizzles
heard the fat man say to the man with the limp. George and his mom were
watching the stupid old men from a safe distance by the grapes, or grass as
they thought it must be called.
The
fat man, wearing a strange sort of clothing object Mrs. Shizzle reasoned must
be some form of pants and a shirt, began to run in the opposite direction of
where the Shizzles were hiding. His fat bounced around in his shirt, and George
couldn’t help but to giggle. Unfortunately the attackers heard him.
“Who
goes there?” called the fat man, spinning all the way around to look right
where the Shizzles had just been hiding. Losing his delicate balance, he then
proceeded to fall to the ground, belly jiggling all over. His shirt became
un-tucked in his clumsiness, and a hairy, fat stomach gurgled out all over the
concrete. George closed his eyes in absolute disgust.
“Quiet,
stupid,” whispered Mrs. Shizzle to her son, “ He seems to be half deaf, so I
think we’re alright, but let’s be cautious.”
The
limping man caught up to the fat one just as the fat was trickling out the fat
man’s shirt. The limping man was also large and wore what Mrs. Shizzle referred
to as athletic pants that he pulled up almost to his womanly chest.
“Get
up!” yelled the man with the large chest.
“Those
are commonly referred to as man boobs in this time period,” whispered Mrs.
Shizzle, pointing to the man’s chest where fatty tissue jiggled as he attempted
to run.
After
several minutes, both men managed to stand up and began to look around,
searching for the “aliens” the fat one claimed he had seen just moments before.
The Shizzles couldn’t believe what an entertaining show George was getting to
see on his first trip back in time to the days of planet Earth. Just then a
tall, thin woman with dark brown hair neatly pulled back ran up to the two stupid
men.
“Are
you alright? You fell awfully hard, sir,” she said to the fat man who had
fallen. She had to look up to greet him, as he was much taller than she was.
“Yes,
thank you,” replied the tall fat man, stumbling and turning red. The woman
smiled gently and turned to walk away. She smiled at teenage children walking
by her on their way to their studies, and the Shizzles could tell she was much
friendlier than either of the two fat men. Then she entered a nearby building
at the other end of the cement path where the two men stood, and disappeared
into it.
The
Shizzles walked across the field of grapes, or was it grass? Mrs. Shizzle
wasn’t too sure, but what she did know was that it was past time for dinner
back home. She and George loaded up the shuttle and prepared to take off.
“Wait
a moment!” called George, thinking quickly, “I’d like to take home some of that
man’s fat to show Palieta!”
“You
can’t take his fat home, sweetie,” said Mrs. Shizzle, “I would try to take
some, but he might eat me. He looks like a hungry fat man. I’m a little
concerned.” The shuttle took off back to Hofenlofel for dinner.
“This
is why we can’t trust human beings,” said Mrs. Shizzle with a sigh to herself,
and she turned to look out the window at the two squirming fat men, now as
small as ants on the ground miles below.
